As Long As You Love Me
by rosenberg-summers
Summary: "I hurt because I love you. It's the best pain I've ever felt in my life."
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: Joss is the man. I am not.

A/N: New to this, but review. That's what'll keep me writing. Dawn and Buffy are 11 months apart in this fic. Set in Season 4.

Pairings: B/W, G/J, X/A, D/C

Happy reading!

I love you.

That phrase just may represent the hardest words that will ever come out of someone's mouth.

Especially me.

Five years ago my life changed from one of happy-go-lucky superficialness to a life that has more responsibility that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

And I have countless of those.

My life has been predicated with apocalypses, best friends, demon lovers, death, death, and death.

But there's always light at the end of the tunnel. A bright gleam of happiness that manifests itself in a normally cool, dank, and dark pit of despair.

My light, my bright gleam comes in the form of a person.

A fair maiden.

I laugh at my journal entry as I bookmark the page and place under my bed.

Hearing her footsteps before she even opens the door, I break out in a uncontrollable grin.

"Hey," her melodious voice chirps as she situates herself on my bed. "What's up?"

Willow's wearing a green flappy top and jeans. The green sets off those beautiful eyes of hers. Since it's Wednesday, I know she had a Mocha at the Expresso Pump during her break between Differential Equations and Physics. Tonight, she'll want to go to the Bronze after patrol, and when we get back to the dorm, she'll wear her set of green pig pjs that I bought for her last month.

"Up is up like it usually is," I reply. "How did classes go today?"

Her gaze grows forlorn. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "It went. In Mythology, we're doing a segment on Urban Legends. Guess what my professor chose as today's topic?"

"He-Who-Wakes-Up-In-A-Graveyard?"

"Worse. He who turns into a monstrous creature three nights of the month," the bitterness changes her normally soft voice into something entirely not Willow. "He who heartlessly destroys a girls soul and tramps off leaving her broken-hearted! He who-"

I interrupt her with a simple finger to her lips.

"Shh. Willow, you know Oz never meant to hurt you." Tear-filled eyes meet mine, and I remove my finger from her lips.

"But he did," she glances away. "He did, Buffy. And no matter if he didn't try, it still happened. He still betrayed me." Her eyes meet mine again. "How can I ever trust someone enough to be with them again?"

My heart drops. I know Willow is straight. I'm straight, too! Although, I've always felt this connection between us that could prove otherwise. I think I'm the only one feeling it.

She hastily adds, "That is if anyone will ever want to be with me besides Oz."  
>I gather her in my arms, and we bask in the simple gesture. A simple gesture that isn't that simple. Minutes pass during our embrace. I feel her breathing settle, and a sense of tranquil happiness sets itself around me as I inhale the scent that is My Willow.<p>

My Willow.

"Willow," I speak softly as I detach myself to look in her eyes. "You're crazy if you think anyone wouldn't want to be with you. Whoever ends up with you will be the luckiest person alive.

Like telekinesis, her radiant smile with a a strong invisible force pulls at my heart strings.

If I can't have her, I'll make damn sure the right person gets her. Even if it hurts like hell.

Did I call it or what?

I'm meeting the Scooby Gang at the Bronze after this last sweep. Which I might add is totally boring. I'm halfway chastising myself for rejecting Willow's company. Normally, nothing in the world would allow myself to do that. But tonight is different.

What I felt today was unlike anything with my fling with Riley and Parker. Surprisingly, it was even better than being with Angel. All through a simple hug.  
>If you asked me a month ago if I was falling in love with my best friend, I'd laugh.<br>Now? Not so much.

"Geez. What gives?" I say as I walk around a gravestone.

"I could sure give you something, little lady," a dirty, recently-risen vamp says to me. As. If.

"The only thing you could give me...well, let's just say I don't play well skin disease," I say, smiling angelically at him. "Can't we just move this along? I have places to be."

With a snarl, he lunges at me. How predictable. I side step and launch my foot out, causing him to trip in his inexperienced fighting style. I make it a quickie and plunge my hidden stake into his back. Dust.

One thing about vamps is that they never change. They never offer any surprises.

Willow, on the other hand...

Gosh. Even now, I can't stop thinking about her. Thoughts of Willow smiling, Willow crying, Willow researching, Willow babbling, Willow...just Willow being Willow fill my mind on my way to the Bronze.

As I spot the Scoobs at our table, the now familiar feeling of completeness fills me as I take in the sight of a red-haired beauty.

Weaving in and out between eager, young dancers, I finally make it to the table.

"Buffster!" Xand greets with and arm around his new and very strange girlfriend, Anya.

"Hello, Buffy. How was your patrol?" She asks to be polite. Although her eyes haven't left Xander's body since I've walked up. Nor her hands either.

"Short and sweet. A simple side step and plunge was all that was needed."

Anya smirks, "With Xander, that's all that is needed too." Ew. I shake my head to try and remove the image that is violently attacking every fiber of my brain.  
>From her side of the table next to Dawn, Cordelia looks disgusted.<p>

"What is your childhood trauma?" Anya looks at her.

"Trauma? What do you mean? I didn't have much sickness when I was a kid. We-"

"An, honey. What Cordelia means...well, it doesn't matter what she means." He cuts his eyes at her. "Right, Cordy?"

"Whatever."

Cordelia and Xander have gotten along much better since we blew up the school. We're all actually enrolled in UC Sunnydale together. Anya bonded with Xander after she came realized Sunnydale was on the map. She's very strange, but sometimes, her oddness can be amusing.

I glance at the empty seat beside Willow.

"Is that seat taken?"

"Yes." I nod my head and scan the room for a chair.

Willow laughs, "C'mon, Buff. Of course, I saved it for you." She winks at me, and I swear my heart just skipped a beat.

I reluctantly drag my eyes from her, "So, guys, what did I miss?"

Dawn starts, "Cordy won't dance with me!"

"Only because you always step on my feet!"

Now, those two...I'd never see that coming in a million years.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Back in June, Dawn and I had Willow and Cordy over for a movies. In the middle of the night, I get up for a little pick me up and find my little sister pressing Queen C up against the fridge with her tongue down her throat. Talk about trauma.

"But I'm so happy when I'm in your arms," Dawn says with a puppy dog look that she totally stole from me.

Cordelia's face softens in a way that only happens with Dawn. She sighs, "Fine. You win." She stands up and drags my little sis to the dance floor.

"Xander." Xand takes his eyes off the retreating forms of Dawn and Cordy to Anya. "Xander, let's go."

He looks confused. "Why?"

"All of these gyrating bodies make me wanna have sex with you." She stands up. "C'mon, up," she tugs him by the arm."Goodbye, Buffy. Willow. We've got to go and have sex now."

A flustered and very red Xander manages a goodbye over his shoulder as his girlfriend drags him out the club.

Willow giggles beside me, "She's gonna run down his batteries."

"Willow!"

"Well she is!" We giggle at the total truth to that statement. When we settle down, I take a sip out of my soda and look around the room. A pretty brunette seems to be walking towards us, her eyes set on Willow. I tap Willow on the shoulder. She looks at me at the exact moment the girl steps up behind her.

"Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt," She says to me. The hell she didn't. Disregarding me, she turns to Willow, "I'm Kennedy. Would you like to dance?"  
>Willow looks shocked at the offer, and quickly looks for a way out. "I'm sorry, but I can't leave my friend."<p>

Kennedy looks at me. "Oh, she seems like a big girl. I know she can stand to be away from you for a dance." She glances between us. "Wait. Are you two together?"

I spit out my soda. "Together?" I blurt out. "Me together with Willow? Us of the togetherness? No. No way. Not in a million years. No to the togetherness."

I wish I could shoot myself. There's confusion and hurt lurking in the depths of Willow's eyes as she looks away from me. "Let's dance."

If I only had the courage to interject and whisk Willow away, maybe I wouldn't feel like such a loser as Kennedy pulls Willow to her feet.

She leads Willow to the floor, and instantly wraps Willow's hands around her neck and places her own around her waist. I watch as they develop a slow and easy rhythm that normally doesn't describe Willow's dancing abilities.

Dawn and Cordelia come back to the table hand in hand.

"Who's the girl?"

"Kennedy."

Dawn observes, "She's getting kind of close." And she is. She's now pressed all against my Willow.

And Willow doesn't seem to be complaining at all. They look as if they're in an easy conversation.

"So how are you two?" I ask Cordelia and Dawn, but my gaze never leaves the couple on the floor.

"Grand. Glorious. Fantastic." Cordelia replies. I steal a look at their beaming faces,then return back to staring at that slut Kennedy with my Willow.

"That's good." With each passing second, my heart is breaking into more and more pieces.

To my horror, I watch as Kennedy leans in towards Willow, taking hold of her lips.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

I jump up, not able to hold in my tears. I choke out, "I've gotta go." I make a hasty exit, as I hear Cordy and Dawn call my name.

Running out of the club, I let the sobs out.

How could I be so stupid? She's into girls. Ugh! I missed my opportunity, and now it's too late. I run all the way back to the dorm and collapse on my bed. A couple hours pass by with just the sound of my sobs filling the room.

When I hear footsteps approaching, I crawl under the covers, flinging them over my head.

I can't bear to look at her.

"Buffy?" I hear her soft voice call out. I don't answer.

I hear her change into her pajamas and get into bed. Unknowing.

She probably doesn't know how much I want to climb in with her right now. How much I love her. And if what I saw at the Bronze tonight was any indication, she might not ever find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A/N: Please keep reading and reviewing!

That girl drives me insane.

How can it be possible for someone who is so brave and powerful that she can break bones with a mere jerk of the wrist be so weak when it comes to the simplest emotions?

When I woke up this morning, I looked immediately to her side of the room, and guess what I found?

No Buffy. Surprise, surprise. When the going gets tough and emotional, you can count of Buffy going into shut down mode.

I found a note on her bed saying she would be at Giles'. I have to chuckle at the blatant excuse she's going through to avoid me. Seriously? Buffy would never wake up this early on a Saturday morning to go to Giles'. Especially without me! I wonder what I did.

Buffy's POV

"I can't believe her!" I burst out, letting my fork hit my plate. I scowl at my pancakes. Normally, I'd be beyond happy at the very site of them, but now, I just feel sick to my stomach.

"Buffster, are you mad at Will because she danced with a girl?" Xander asks from across me at Giles' table. Taking the napkin from his lap, he cleans his mouth, allowing his gaze to settle intently on me.

"No. Of course not. I don't care who she dances with. She'll always be Will to me. What gets me is this Kennedy girl. Where the hell did she come from, huh?" I viciously stab my pancakes with my fork, making sure to envision Kennedy's face on them.

"Easy," Xander says with a raised brow. "What did that pancake do to you?" He chuckles. "In my opinion, Will's just exploring her options. Maybe, you should be a little more understanding."

"Understanding."

"I mean-" I smack my hand on the table.

"I know exactly what you mean, Xander! Jesus, my sister's gay! I'm understanding. If Willow wants to Be with her, then I'll deal. She's my best friend." My best friend whose bones I'd like to jump.

Great. Now, I can't wipe out that image.

"That's not what I meant," he leans in. "Willow is still hurting from Oz. She needs some comfort, and she may be interested in finding it in the form of Kennedy. Is it true love? I don't think so. Will she take this chance? Maybe." He shuffles his eyes back down to his plate and lifts his fork. "What I really want to know is if you'll take a chance."

Oh, God. I wonder if he knows.

"What do you mean?" I ask warily.

"Buff. If you were in my position in the group, you'd be able to observe a lot. I've known you for four years now. You have a big heart- one of the biggest I've ever seen. There's one thing about you, though; you won't let anyone in. Well anyone alive."

His dark eyes are full of concern and wonder. He's just so unaware of what I really want. Who I really want. I'd gladly give my heart to Will. Anyday.

"I guess I just have the worst luck." As if falling for your best friend isn't bad enough, you have to deal with her liking another girl who isn't you.

"Or maybe you're not realizing the fact that you can explore your options, too."

"What's going on?" Anya asks as she walks through the door. "Xander, why are you here instead of with me?" She settles down next to Xander. "And why is she not with Willow?"

"Hey! Me and Will aren't always together."

"You humans are so naive and stupid. Anyone with eyes can see you two want to have or-" Xander's hand covers her mouth.

"Anya!"

My gaze hardens on that little ex-vengeance demon. "Yes, Anya. I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you."

Footsteps travel down the stairs as my Giles-shaped buddy enters.

"Good morning. Fancy seeing you three here so early." He remarks softly. Taking a seat in his chair, he smiles at us then looks at me. "Where's Willow?"

"Um. She's still at the dorm." I look down. "I let her sleep in."

Giles' brow raises at my obvious awkwardness.

"Ehem," he coughs, "well we're still having the cookout at your house tonight."

Oh, darn. I forgot about that.

Just as I'm about to reply, a short knock on the door is heard followed closely by it opening to present a certain redhead.

"Hey," she greets. Why does she have to be so beautiful without even trying? I'm aware of everything about her, and she really doesn't help much by sitting close to me.

"Um, you guys," I get up. "There's something I have to do." If I stay any longer, I don't think I'll be able to handle it. "I'll see you later." I try to make a hasty exit from my seat, but a soft hand wraps around my wrist.

"What thing?" Willow asks. I don't even look back at her.

"Just a...thing." I finish lamely and remove my wrist from her grip and walk towards the door.

I know everyone is staring at my back. They're probably wondering why I'm behaving so strangely, and in all honesty, I wish I could tell them. But I can't. Tonight should definitely be interesting.

A/N: Review!


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